âThere may be said to be two classes of people in the world; those who constantly divide the people of the world into two classes, and those who do not. Both classes are extremely unpleasant to meet socially, leaving practically no one in the world whom one cares very much to know.ââhumorist and actor Robert Benchley, 1920 (and since popularized by many, including Neil deGrasse Tyson)
Two Types of People (we really love to sort ourselves)
Perhaps it might be plausibly argued that there are two types of people: âthose who can recall quotes and jokes on commandâ and âthose who canât.â I am definitively a member of the latter group. I have easy recall of only three jokes at any given moment, and have held on to the current offering for at least a decade.
My longtime go-to:
âWhy do Norwegian naval ships have bar codes on their sides?â
âSo when they come into port, they can âscan da Navy in.ââ đ¤ˇââď¸đđ¤Śââď¸
But ever since I heard the quote above, it has stuck with meâand the conclusion, which I have only just discovered, enriches the wit exponentially. I love it. It tickles that part of me that longs for truth and clarity while also recognizing the ongoing absurdity of the human project, and Iâm here for it.
I am now 51 years old, and I am starting to think that Iâve gathered a sufficient amount of experience and insight to declare, with all the caveats, admissions, and acknowledgments in the world, that I can safely say that Iâm starting to really knowâwith at least some degree of confidenceâwhat kind of person I am.
Most of the time, that comes down to a general tendency of seeing some value on either side of any âtwo types of peopleâ equation: for example, I was just this morning listening to an interview with a conservative Harvard professor about the situation between Trump and the university. At one point, the professor made the (obviously sweeping) generalization that Democrats are largely focused on empathy (wanting everyone to be âequal and includedâ and Republicans are largely preoccupied with admiration (wanting people to do what they are good at and succeed or fail âon the meritsâ).
Of course, that framing overlooks the systemic underpinnings of success (and its absence) implied by the idea of âequality of opportunityâ that solutions like affirmative action or universal pre-k seek to ameliorate, but I thought it was a provocative lens. Do Democrats, in our pursuit of justice, inclusion, and equality, have a blind spot when it comes to acknowledging our admiration for successâeven as popular culture (see: everything) clearly shows that we crave success, admiration, and the feeling of âbeing specialââmaybe even superiorâat least as much as the next guy?
Much has been written lately about the distinctions between âhonor cultureâ and âdignity culture.â
For the sake of simplicity, it can be argued that Republicans (and the right more broadly) are primarily aligned with âhonor cultureâ while Democrats (and the left more broadly) are steeped in the values of âdignity culture.â As philosopher Marie Bjedere put it in the article linked above:
If a country is alone, outgunned, and in a situation where global lawlessness prevails, that country will need a strong Alpha leader who will intimidate, dominate, and destroy any enemy that presents a danger. If a country enjoys the luxury of relative global political stability, that country will need a mature leader who is as deft with diplomacy and soft power as with armies and posturing. The current global landscape can be interpreted either way depending on whether we are looking through an Honor or Dignity Culture frame. Leadership that can flex between both frames will have a tremendous strategic advantage.
On Tyrants and Parenting
Tucked away at the end of a long cul-de-sac in a sprawling Evergreen neighborhood, far from the mind-blowingly consequential events unfolding all across the globe, I can still see how much tricky intricacy is contained within these two frames and in their interplay.
As a woman and a mom, I can see that I mostly subscribe to the âdignityâ model. It is evident in how I parent, how I collaborate, how I show up. And yet there is undoubtedlyâand I can see my husband Markâs knowing smile as he reads thisâa small but mighty tyrant lurking in there, too. This tyrant, as the quote suggests, comes out mainly in times of stress or anxiety (though not necessarily, it should be said, in moments of full-blown crisisâas when we thought that our house had been burglarized by what turned out to be an intrepid squirrel who cut his little paw trying to get in, leaving a mess of papers and wrappers and bloody prints across the piano. I wouldnât say I was the picture of authoritative leadership at that particular moment.) If you ever want to meet this little tyrant that lives within me, however, you can predictably meet her in any car in which I am not the driver: in general, thereâs my way and thereâs the wrong way.

The distinction has arisen a number of times throughout our married and parenting lives, which are largely a mixed bag of traditional and reversed gender roles. Mark taught me how to cook (I could basically make oatmeal and pour Cheerios when we met), and has fully taken over the laundry from my sorry-ass laundry-doing self (once, when we were first married, I spent the ENTIRE DAYâliterally, we watched a whole season of The Biggest Loser from start to finishâironing, as I come from a long line of, shall we say, expert and persnickety ironers. At the end of the marathon, as the winners celebrated their remarkable and hard-won achievements, Mark looked over at my output and said, with genuine compassion, âIâm so sorry to say it, but they look exactly the same as when you started.â Thus ended my ironing career.).
On the other hand, I have also just recently completed a two-year project (more on this in a future newsletter!) in a field very heavily skewed towards men. I also have to admit that I have spent the last ten minutes trying to think of other ways I personally upend traditional gender stereotypes around the house, but I am (rather notably) coming up short. Do I fix things? Nope. Do I mow the lawn or use the snow blower? No. Do I assemble furniture or change light bulbs and smoke detector batteries? Nope.
I guess weâre more traditional than I thought!
(A funny aside: I had to pause this writing because a realtor just came to the houseâweâre putting it on the market (another long story)âand wanted to make sure it was ready for exterior shots. It was, thanks to a shit ton of work we did yesterday (waitâI did the mulching. So thereâs two things!). She was about to leave but thought we should make sure all of the light bulbs were working. I flipped the switch, and both lights high above the sliding glass doors came on, and then one proceeded to burn out before our eyes. She was like, âYou can change that by Wednesday, right?â And I was like, âUm.â
With the kids, this âhonor and dignityâ paradigm has definitely come up a number of times over the years. I tend to orient towards âenlistingâ them in the project at hand, while Mark leans towards âinstructingâ them to do a task and expecting a straightforwardly affirmative response that is not always forthcoming. This usually results in a little side discussion around âasking nicely,â which eventually becomes a bit of a triangulated dynamic from which we have to emerge through skillful and passionate debate while the kids roll their eyes. Eventually equilibrium is restored, and we note, with some resignation, how many tasks could have been accomplished in the amount of time it took to get there.
The thing is, I know Mark is (sometimes) right. Sometimes you just have to tell a kid what to do. Every situation should not be approached like our dog Pepper, who requires a special trip to the calligrapher, a personalized wax seal, and a full marching band in order to properly finish her business in the dog area. We are not all equals. Leadership is required. Heâs not instructing with malice, heâs just being direct. And heâs not always like thatâhe is, I think itâs safe to say, a leader who can âflex between both frames.â WowâMark is going to be delighted by this particular newsletter!
But I really do think itâs true, and I think itâs utterly imperative that we become more skillful at navigating within this polarity rather than rigidly ascribing to one or the other. Maturity requires case-specific assessments of complex and multidimensional scenarios. Sometimes, as with Gov. Josh Shapiroâs speedy repair of the I-95 bridge, the example often cited by Ezra Klein as he promotes his new book, a leader just has to make things happen. And yet, if we ever again find ourselves in a moment of non-crisis (God-willing), we need to find a way to still make things happen without getting mired in the brambles of process, policy, and over-collaboration. As Klein put it, â On the one hand, you donât want everything done under an emergency declaration. Your normal rules should be good rules. And on the other hand, Iâve had sort of the same question that youâre raising, and Iâd be curious what youâve concluded about it, which is: How do you snap the system into more of a different mode?â
Illuminators and the Power of Listening
Over the weekend, I heard a âtwo types of peopleâ distinction that I think really does skillfully thread the needle between the seemingly incompatible orientations of honor and dignity culture. At a bat mitzvah, the rabbi suggested that, indeed, we could be one of two things: we could be a diminisher, or we could be an illuminator. He went onto say that an illuminator isnât trying to outshine another person, but rather seeks to light up the world for all of us, including themselves.
I think that this is a profoundly beautiful framing that, if understood with nuance and applied with dexterity, could unlock vast reservoirs of stuck, self-righteous energy. Maybe we could use it to peer into the cobwebs of our own minds and see if the other person has to be wrong in order for us to be right. Maybe we could cling to our certainties a little less tightly, just for a moment, and see what comes in. Maybe we could seeâas I have seen time and time and time againâhow much a person comes to life when treated with respect and curiosity.
Which leads me to the bold claim teased in the subheading of this little meandering piece, which fully and completely contradicts the humorous conclusion to the opening quote: in my 51 years of experience,
ONE HUNDRED PERCENT OF PEOPLE HAVE A POWERFUL STORY.
I am absolutely convinced that even if I were to conduct interviews in a maximum security prison, I would emerge no less convinced that hearing each and every story would be a profoundly humbling experience.
As human rights activist Professor Loretta J. Ross puts it in the opening to her new book Calling In, âI am a reformed callout queen. Iâve furiously called out enemies, Iâve righteously called out friends. Iâve gleefully called out strangers. I even once called out President Barack Obama, though thatâs a story for another time. My ego sure gets the appeal of putting people on blast. But I also realized a long time ago that running my mouth never did seem to accomplish what I wanted it to.â
Professor Rossâ message, delivered in a way that makes me want to take a bubble bath in her words, as weird as that soundsâis one of illumination. Itâs far too rare, and very precious.
There are two types of people: those who take 18 minutes to watch this incredible interview with Professor Ross, and those who will wish they had. :)
Cuando tras mas de 20 aĂąos alguien aparece en tu vida y agita la coctelera de tu mente, los asuntos mundanos se vuelven, eso, irrelevantes. He tenido 3 hijas una de ellas con parĂĄlisis cerebral aunque evoluciona muy favorablemente, y tiene una vida lo mas normal posible. Ella me enseĂąo que la vida es todo luchar, a no conformarnos, a querer siempre mas, a dar la cara por uno mismo y tu familia, y a cada aliento desnudo ante la sociedad dar lo mejor de ti, es una batalla que desde que nacemos descalzos para sentir el mundo en nuestros pies tenemos que sonreĂr para decir, gracias, estoy vivo, y ahora que es lo que viene? Apretar los dientes, mirar a los problemas a los ojos fijamente y decir, aquĂ estoy!! . En eso se resume nuestra existencia, en sentirnos vivos, Tu Allison me hiciste sentir vivo, gracias.
Perfect that this piece starts with humor -- that's the best way to take the statement "2 classes of people." How frustrated I feel when a survey says I must choose one or the other without a box to check that says, sorta, maybe, not really, almost, mostly. Seeing value in a position needs gray areas, mixtures, spillovers of traits that defy any dichotomy. This piece is such a well-written blend. Take your pick: A serious piece with humor, or a humorous piece with seriousness.
I love how you reveal yourself by commenting on what others have said, and giving us readers a glimpse into your home life -- sharing your personal take and then the hand off to Loretta Ross. "...take bubble bath in her words" - brilliant :-)
And this bit of wisdom of yours, perhaps the key to everything: "if understood with nuance and applied with dexterity."